Who you callin' Jerk?

So, here's the thing. for Mother's Day this year, my husband bought me some plants for our tiny Baltimore City backyard. He bought me Rosemary, Cilantro, two delicious varieties of basil and some innocent looking pepper plants.

"You liked having the jalapeno plant last year, right?" he queried. "Well, aren't these cool? This one's a habanero, and this one's something else like that...a Caribbean Red Hot or something."

"Like, Scotch Bonnets, maybe?" I countered.

"Um, maybe...yeah," he said, to which I replied "Wow...thanks, baby," all the while thinking oh no! He's trying to kill me.

Because here's the deal...my dirty little foodie secret...I have an esophageal ulcer. That's right...you heard me. Although it shames me I cannot eat whatever I want.

Eager to appear appropriately grateful, I said nothing about my pepper apprehension. The husband sensed my fear.

"What?" he said. "Don't you like them?"

"Of course I do," I replied honestly." It's just...well, I mean...the ulcer. Will I be able to eat them?" I asked rhetorically.


"They're not that hot, are they?"

"Yes, babe...they're literally the hottest peppers in the world."


"Oh...sorry. Happy Mother's Day."

Determined to remain appropriately grateful (they were from not only my lovely husband but my lovely little girl as well, mind you), I got my work gloves out and dug into the soil and planted the death peppers side-by-side in a little terra cotta rectangle. For weeks, we watered them, moved them from spot to spot in our little yard so that they might receive optimal sun and warned my toddler sternly to please, please, please not even think about putting them near her mouth.

Two short months later, perfect, glossy, firm little demon peppers began to emerge. Gradually, they turned from innocuous, pale green to dazzling shades of red and orange. Determined not to let them wither on the vine, but equally committed to avoid hospitalization from eating one, I began to brain storm about what to do with them. The obvious answer: Give them away!

I know! I thought. My brother & brother-in-law are all about eating things that might kill lesser mortals. I'll give them to them. They forgot to take take them home when last they visited.

Better still, I thought, I will send them to my sister-in-law in Florida! She's a Texan! She brings her own hot sauce to restaurants! She can take the heat! I neatly packed three of each variety in little tupperware cases and sent them to her in my mother-in-law's luggage. Done.

But the pepper plants had other plans. There were more of them now...lots of them. There was no keeping up. I cowered in my kitchen, glaring out my back door at the death peppers, when something deep inside of me began to stir.

Kristin, you're better than this. You will not be defeated by a pepper plant, by fear, by your ulcer. You must rise up. You...must...cook... with...THE...PEPPERS!

So, herewith, I bring to you my new recipe for Authentic Jamaican-style Jerk Marinade. If you go for the heat and use the habaneros and scotch bonnets available in lots of specialty markets these days, please do wear some gloves when you're cutting and seeding the peppers. Not joking...get a habanero seed under your fingernail and tell me you don't want to die just a little bit. However, the Jerk is good. Use it on pork or chicken and slooooow grill or roast it since the jerk might want to catch fire due to the brown sugar & the lime juice. I'm not going to lie to you...it's not even that hot. I think next time I might even leave the seeds in one or two of the peppers. Maybe my husband's not trying to kill me after all. Really, he'd be a fool. Who else would feed him like this?


Authentic Jerk Marinade for Chicken, Pork or Shrimp
Makes about 3 cups of marinade which is enough for at least two or more cut-up chickens, 4 pork tenderloins or more shrimp than you can shake your tongs at.

Ingredients:
6 scallions, cleaned and chopped into 2" segments
4 large cloves of garlic
1 small onion
4 - 5 Scotch Bonnet or Habanero Peppers or any combination of both, seeds and white ribs removed (wear gloves! You've been warned!)
2 T. Brown Sugar
1 T. Kosher salt (you can probably use regular salt, but why?)
1 1/2 tsp. frech ground nutmeg
2 bay leaves, center ribs torn out
1 T. fresh thyme leaves
2 tsp. allspice
1/2 tsp. espresso powder
2 tsp. fresh ground ginger
2 T. Olive Oil
2 T. Mt. Gay rum
2 T. Soy Sauce
3/4 c. fresh squeezed lime juice

Instructions:

Place all ingredients into a blender or food processor and pulse until smooth. Place meat into zip-lock bags and cover with marinade. Seal bags tightly, pressing out excess air. Marinade in the fridge OVERNIGHT. Remove meat from bags; discard used marinade. Grill over medium heat until meat reaches desired internal temperature, being careful not to let marinade catch fire! Enjoy!


Leftover marinade can be stored in the fridge for about 2-3 days or frozen for 6 months.